Friends. I am facing an existential crisis. A crisis of the heart.

You see, today I’m going to do something I have never done before. I am going to detangle myself from a SuperCoach situationship BEFORE it becomes toxic.

That’s right. *deep breath*

I am trading out Cheese (Brandon Smith).

I know, I know. I can hear your shock from here. ‘How??’ you cry. ‘Who is this Clementine and what have you done with the real one??’ ‘Has she become lactose intolerant? Just like that?’

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I can sense your confusion, dear friends. So, to help, I will take you on a journey through the depths of my mind:

On Tuesday the question was raised on the poddy over tacos – hard or soft? This led to Spy pondering on Wednesday, is there anything else BEYOND hard tacos, actual real-life burritos, and of course that succulent snack, nachos. Which led me to ponder in turn – who actually invented nachos.

A quick Wikipedia search gave me the answer. The aptly named, Ignacio Anaya Garcia. Back in 1943. Of course.

Now this was when true logic kicked in, and my mind (which has been compared to the excel spreadsheet of our generation) began to connect this piece of info with SuperCoach and trades. I will now allow my brain to take over:

‘The first ever plate of nachos was created in 1943 from soft corn tortillas that had been fried hard. They were then topped with the pièce de résistance, a great big block of cheese. A beautiful coming together of soft and hard tacos and cheese to create a true gift to humankind. In conclusion, nachos are the greatest gift Cheese has ever given us. But I would rather eat a burrito. I will now trade him out of my team.’

And that friends, is why I am trading Cheese for Joey Lussick on this fine Thursday. If only I could make my finger do my brain’s bidding…Push. The. Trade. Button. PUSH IT! Never mind, I will keep trying…

But we are not here to talk about matters of the heart. We are instead here to talk about Captains. So, let us start with the great success that we had last week in keeping up our reputation as Connoisseur of the Dubious Captain Choices.

And we scored a spectacular 1/8, with James Tedesco, that crafty fullback, being the one who prevented us from a clean sweep of 0/8. So now we will just go full rogue in this article, whereby we just choose rogue Captaincy legends like Adam Elliott (112 points) and Teig Wilton (110 points).

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So, let us begin with tonight’s first Captaincy choice who is obviously:

Charlie Staines.

Who, in fact, in 2020, vs the very team he is playing this week, the Sharks, became just the sixth player since 1908 to score four or more tries on debut, and probably not just the sixth player to get lockjaw from all the ~~celebrating~~ try scoring.

But I’d like to give you a few more options beyond the obvious, so to the Vice Captains, we go!

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Nathan Cleary vs the Broncos

The grand final matchup that is banned from the Broncos locker room this week. Because firing a team up by reminding them of the absolute complacency they slipped into thinking they’d won the whole shebang with 20 minutes to go is never a good idea.

The same grand final matchup that we had to ban Spy from Twitter whilst watching, because for 60 minutes of the match he declared (somewhat in jest and after a casual 500 whiskeys and quite a few beers) that Nathan Cleary was the equivalent of Davo from 600 miles out west who’d jumped off his tractor for a bit of a kick around in the local paddock in his well-worn RMs.

And look. He hasn’t tonned up yet this season. And he has a 54.5 average so far this year. But he DID score a 73 last week, and in the game vs the Broncs above, he probably scored a casual ton in the very last 20. And in Round 12 last year, he knocked out a sweet 125 vs them too.

So, things are looking up, up, and you can expect a confident Cleary tonight, who is most certainly a strong Vice Captaincy choice vs an understrength Broncos side who are missing Reynolds and Haas too.

Verdict – As long as he’s not playing in RMs, you may absolutely Vice Captain Cleary.

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James Tedesco vs Latrell Mitchell

Well. In the great battle of the fullbacks, explored last week in this article, it was of course Teddy who came out on top of Tommy, rendering my Saturday night Corso security guard services completely worthless.

That’s 10 hours I will never get back, although there are some absolute sights to see out on the Manly Corso on a Saturday night.

I now have so much content to submit to that greatest of Instagram pages, Creatures of Manly, that perhaps it was not worthless at all…watching a fully grown naked man climb an oversized palm tree whilst singing ‘I will always love you’ to a bottle of beer is a stunning sight not to be missed.

Put it in the tourist guides!

Actually, you can see another stunning video on the Creatures of Manly page from the very game last Sunday, where a rogue Random South’s Guy got his weeks mixed up and found himself at Brooky, whereupon he did Souths things in the crowd and made the Insta page!

Congratulations Random Souths Guy sir. You have reached true levels of infamy that other Random Souths Guys can only dream of.

But of course, HIS fullback is playing the Roosters THIS Friday night. And yes. If you own him, you may Vice Captain Latrell. Because he has the ability to absolutely slap a SuperCoacher in the face for not owning him, and with a 95-point average over the last two games, he is most definitely a choice.

HOWEVER. I want you to remember that half his points last week came in one gigantic run in the dying seconds of the game, whereupon he and Reece Walsh shared a beautifully intimate moment on the line, enjoying mutual cramps.

The one I would like you to select as your Vice Captain from this game, however, is Teddy. In vintage form, he is looking the absolute goods, and clearly would like to have his Origin spot this year please Madge.

103 points last week, a try, two try-assists. Line-breaks, line-break assists…An 86.5 average and is only owned by FIVE per cent of teams. Have we all slept on Teddy?? If you own him – please. Pod Vice Captain him now!

Verdict – I am not saying that Latrell isn’t going to smash out a few massive runs, but Teddy. He’s looking as delicious as the crispiest bacon on that bacon and egg roll you smash on a late Sunday morning after making the cut for Creatures of Manly the night before.

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Take your pick vs the Tigers

And honestly, if you own any Sharks players in this game just whack the VC on and be done with it…

Or, as discussed earlier, put it on Charlie Staines.

Okay, no, no. It’s not as easy as that, I say as I look at Teig Wilton looking back at me in the SuperCoach app rolling his eyes that I didn’t select him in this article last week.

But seriously. Here are some options:

Prince Nicho Hynes – Did anybody else notice that once the sun started to go down at Shark Park last Friday, Nicho scored more points? Now, some would say that it was because not having sun beams directly beaming into your eyes, like that absolute wanker bearing down on you on the Hume Highway with his lights on full, is clearly going to help your game. BUT. What you don’t know is this:

I made it to the game. But I was late (of course). Those who know my directionless track record around Sydney would not be surprised by this fact. I have driven around North Sydney Oval three times in a row in the effort to find Bondi, and did in fact, end up in Maroubra last Tuesday, whilst trying to find the location of the pod.

So. I DID do the rain dance (which failed – I forgot the backwards roly poly into pirouette – a face palm moment – rusty, Clem, rusty). But I also did make it into the sheds. At half time. With the hair gel. No small thanks to Twitter legend, Aotearowan, who kindly greased the security guards for me. So therefore, I eventually managed to perform my gelling duties and Nicho subsequently scored 75 points.

The last three times Nicho played the Tigers, he scored a 109, 90. 117. We all saw the Tigers play last week. So therefore, Nicho is clearly a safe Vice Captaincy choice and we can absolutely expect a double ton. Get your Captaincy loops at the ready!

Ronaldo Mulitalo – I am trading this fine player in! This week. For Luki, not my soul! So therefore, he is of course going to score his third consecutive ton of the season and not go down the path of teammate, Talakai, who two years ago literally stopped scoring the second I exchanged my soul for him.

He is, so far, the top scoring player in SuperCoach. 203 delicious points. Including 116 last week where he did such things as score three line-breaks.

And therefore, he is a beautiful Vice Captaincy choice or even a Captaincy choice for the more adventurous amongst us, and he will not score 19 points. Like the last time he played the Tigers.

Siosifa Talakai – Honestly, the week I don’t choose him in this article will be the week he scores a double ton. So, with that in mind. We’ll just leave him here.

Verdict – Prince Nicho Hynes is a delightful Vice Captain, or even a Captaincy choice, this Saturday night. The more frisky amongst us can take a punt on Mulitalo. Those who are blindly trusting go Talakai.

But. Judging by the last two weeks, the answer will Charlie Staines.

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Tommy Turbo vs the Eels

Okay, so my Captain choice of Tommy T last week was outscored by the other Manly Tommy in my team (Talau) BUT STILL. He looks the goods. He just had no attacking stats. *Checks again*. None? None. Zilch.

BUT. He. Still. Looks. The. Goods.

Or at least he did through the approximately four St Paddy’s Day Guinness I had consumed at the Irish pub with Spy by the time the Manly game rolled around Sunday arvo. Irish singalongs, whiskey, and danceathons – all topped off with Spy’s infamous chicken nugget message on the WhatsApp group. And did anybody go around and save the man’s nuggets from the air fryer? Or are they still in there, little dry, hard, rocks. Forever stuck to the bottom of the tray, the last remaining soldiers of a legendary day…

And so, because he looks the goods, you won’t let a little thing like a 67.5 point average deter you, and you may absolutely Sir Captain Tommy T against the Eels this Sunday.

Verdict – Captain Tommy T. Although. And I do not say this with jest – my rogue choice for this week is Dylan Brown, who will score 145 spite points to spite the 500,000 SuperCoachers who have traded him out in favour of Luke Brooks. Mark my words, friends. Those spite points are coming…

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Either Ponga or Lil’ Papi Sunday night

Well. Here’s a battle.

Our Lord and Saviour, Ryan’ the Glorious Mullet’ Papenhuyzen vs Kalyn ‘Please May I Have Some More Ball Sir’ Ponga.

And wow, herein lies the biggest decision of my whole week. Allow me to go on a slight tangent:

About trades. And also shower karaoke.

So, Tuesday night I was in the shower with my Spotify on random (shower karaoke yes!).

Anyway, so I was also pondering my trades. And just as I was thinking if I should trade Ponga to Lil Papi…at that exact moment…I kid you not…that VERY second, what should fill the room but the sweet, sweet opening bars of Hero and the voice of that angel, Mariah herself…

And look, you all know me. I’m not normally one for signs from above and crystals and all that jazz being a logically logical pragmatic person etc etc…

BUT!!

If that was not a Mariah-given sign from the Goddess herself!! Well. Guess who’s maybe coming into my team:

There’s a hero

If you look inside your heart

You don’t have to be afraid

Of your score so far

There’s an answer

If you reach into your soul

And the sorrow that you know

Will melt away

And then Lil’ Papi comes along

With the points to carry on

And you cast your fears aside

And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone

Look to Papi and be strong

And you’ll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in he

132 points last week. TWO tries. Our Lord and Saviour is back! And we love it! If you own Lil’ Papi, please. Put the Captaincy on him now.

But herein lies the dilemma.

If I trade in Lil’ Papi, I must trade out Ponga. And to be honest against a weakened Storm side at home, coming off two losses, halves farm being slightly calmed, surely Ponga is a valid Captaincy choice this week.

If we don’t look at his 47.5 average.

Verdict – Who am I to ignore a sign from Mariah herself? Captain Lil’ Papi if you own him and learn the lyrics to Hero to sing at the celebration circle at the community hall, Monday.

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Final Verdict

Dylan Brown is scoring 145 spite points this Sunday. Charlie Staines will score a ton. And Creatures of Manly will feature:

A girl in heels and a Balinese Gucci handbag going for a quick dip off the side of Manly wharf after escaping the security guards at Wharf Bar;
People taking goats and suitcases for sunset walks on the beach alongside people practicing their sweet, sweet karate moves on skateboards (also on the beach);
Somebody trying to get home on a bike after 50,000 schooners at the Steyne, who will eventually (and quite cleverly) get their bike to stay perfectly stationary for approximately 10 seconds before it (and them) falls over sideways. Pure. Unadulterated. Glee.

But apart from those givens, I will be Vice Captaining Nicho Hynes into Tommy T and will spend the rest of the weekend getting over my heartbreaking Cheese ordeal by debating my rational brain vs the one that tells me there is no way Mariah was sending me a sign.

Clearly, my rational brain will win, and Lil’ Papi is coming into my team.

So, on that note. As always. I wish you a perfect weekend full of perfect moments much like the perfectness of Jakey T’s thumb.

Until next week

Clementine xxx

Clem’s Captains Call: Round 3

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