Clem’s Captains Call: Round 8

Clem is back and has picked the players with the best hairstyles for captain options in Round 8.


It was a snack box with pizza, chicken bites and garlic bread. 

He devoured it hungrily, savouring each delicious mouthful as he watched KP run around the field in the opening minutes of the game, his stomach content, and his heart content too, congratulating himself on his last second 1:59pm decision to switch the captaincy off the Wet Haired Prince to the Knight of Newcastle whilst standing in the line at his local Dominos waiting for his treats.

“Akin to being at the top of a water slide,” he fondly reminisced when I asked him about those few minutes of joy and deliciousness, he experienced that fateful Sunday. 

“The happiest of times.”

But alas! 

That slide comes before a fall.

A downfall. THE downfall of Spy. Because…

21 April 3:57pm, my phone dinged. A new message from Spy: 

“I simply can never beat you.”

I am Tim and Spy is me.

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Now, one more thing before we get to the Captains. 

I would like to tell you about meeting the GOAT herself, at the beach flags last week in Mooloolaba. 

And I know I was supposed to be scouting for potential sightings of Damien Cook (did you know he was a beach sprinter), but I was so in awe of the 81-year-old LEGEND who has now gone viral on TikTok (over 500k views) with her epic win in the 75 yrs and Over Beach Flags, that I forgot all about searching for missing hookers from underperforming NRL sides and gleaned words of wisdom from this absolute legend instead:

“Just stay in there and keep going!” she told me.

Which is quite simply the best piece of advice I have ever heard, and my team are now performing like a bunch of beach sprinters as opposed to a group of premature Mad Mondayers, with a sizable leap of over 10,000 places on the weekend.

Top 10,000 here I come…

Now to the Captains we go.

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DWZ or CNK as your Vice Captains

Firstly, let me set the scene. 

Me and my esteemed colleague, who is the biggest Dragons fan of all time, worked late Friday and made a pact.

That we wouldn’t check the Warriors v Dragons score and we’d instead watch the replay over burgers and chips possibly followed by a game of UNO.

(The school camp vibes were high in the Sunny Coast and I am officially the world’s worst UNO player but also the luckiest with the cheeky card swap to the player on the left card – apologies to everyone who ended up with my 52 unsorted cards – apparently my card management is terrible too).

Now, we DID get told the score at half time.

And then after work, we were tempted with a more delicious dinner of cocktails and arancini balls, so we went out and arrived back at the hotel when the game was long over, and Jack Bostock was scoring his 36th try.

We put the replay on, and after a 50-hour day on the beach I kept nodding off on the couch, VB in hand, like someone’s 52-year-old Dad post-Christmas lunch. So therefore, I, quite strategically, avoided watching the Dragons thumping my team.

But that was then and this is today, and so therefore, if you own either of these esteemed players, you must absolutely stick the VC on them vs the Titans (who I cannot refer to as the Wooden Spoon anymore because they almost beat Manly).

CNK has an 87-point average and managed a 77 in the heartbreaking loss last week. He is looking good (third highest average of all players) and if I could afford him, God Charnze would be straight in my team. Plus it’s his 100th NRL game. Glorious times – he will ton up.

DWZ may only be averaging 68 and hasn’t cracked the ton yet this year (99…so tantalisingly close), but with Charnze back and loving that right side – is this the week he tons up vs the leaky Titans?

One things for sure. The Warriors will be out for blood after that loss last week. So, if you have one of DWZ or CNK, you must consider the Vice Captaincy on one of them.

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Lil Papi vs the Bunnies also as your Vice Captain 

If I could somehow get a loan of $10,253 from Uncle Sangsta Clause, I would be bringing Lil Papi into my team and run with a negative bank for the week.

But alas, I cannot afford him AND Cleary, and therefore I must choose Cleary because I cannot abide a Brooks 40 for another week in my team.

I literally don’t even care if he tons up this week, he is out.

I wish I’d held Cleary and played my NPRs instead.

Bitter lessons. SuperCoach, she’s a cruel cruel mistress. 

But if YOU are lucky enough to have Our Lord and Saviour “The Glorious Mullet” Sir Ryan Papenhuyzen in your team, you may absolutely put that VC on him vs the Bunnies. 

Because even though he’s scored a 52 and a 75 in his last two outings (and that 75 included an uncharacteristic sin binning), the Storm are looking good and playing the Bunnies, and even thought the Bunnies tried last week, this game feels like it’s going to be a thumping.

Is this the week Lil’ Papi (who is looking dangerous every week) whacks out one of those insane scores that will hurt non-owners? Potentially.

And yes, I will be watching this game through my fingers, from behind Spy’s couch. 

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Tommy T vs the Eels

Now here’s a likely Captain. Because what even are the Eels.

And I say that with the utmost respect, but that WTF that echoed over the country in the second half of that game in Darwin was the collective noise of Eels fans wondering what the actual heck had happened to their team.

(The excited ‘Hecking Yes!’ was yours truly when I woke up from my snooze on the couch and realized that:

1. I hadn’t spilt my VB, and 

2. the Friday Beers MVP, Bostock, had scored about a thousand tries and I had played him too.

And now Tommy T is playing the team that has given up 72 points to fullbacks this season, and look, I am sorry Eels fans but the beautiful man is going to soar like a spectacular sea eagle up that field and score around a thousand tries in front of the sold out home crowd this Friday night and reward his Captainers with a glorious ton. 

A three-round average of 93, two tries vs the Titans last week.

The hardest decision of my life right now is whether to VC him or Reece Walsh. 

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Reece Walsh vs the Tigers

He’s either going to score you 23 or 123. But either way you’re going to have the funnest night of your life watching the sparkiest player of all time play whatever’s in front of him.

So, if you have the best eyebrows in the NRL in your team, you better be chucking at least the VC on him.

And as another aside, WHERE do you get your eyebrows done Reece? They are perfect twins.

Mine aren’t even sisters. Mine are distant cousins who are fighting. You MUST tell me. I beg you.

ONE HUNDRED AND TEN points last week.

Two tries, three line breaks…it’s just what Reece can do.

And yes, he scored a 38 including a try the week before vs the Dolphins, but honestly, I’ll take these odds that this game vs the Tigers is going to be one of his ton games.

If you don’t go the Tommy T VC or Captaincy route and you own Reece, chuck the VC on him and sit back and enjoy the ride. And get your loops ready.

There’s a 50/50 chance you might need them…

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Nicho Hynes vs the Raiders

Here it is. The Nicho performance we’ve all been waiting for. 


Stunning, stunning times.

Congratulations to whoever Captained him. You were duly rewarded.

Condolences once again to Spy, I’m glad the pizza snack box provided you with a tiny bit of joy.

Now I’ve checked the weather and it’s a cloud, so we might have to get someone out to GIO with a tub of hair gel or perform a collective rain dance or something, but honestly, it’s simply this:

With a three-round average of 106, and a 94 the last time he played the Raiders back in Round 4, if you own our Wet-Haired Prince and don’t consider the Captaincy on him, you are a very, very brave SuperCoacher. 

That is all.

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There’s a completely uncharacteristic hair theme around my team this week, with the VC currently on a pair of spectacularly symmetrical eyebrows and the captaincy on the best wet locks in the business for me. 

But if you have a CNK or a DWZ or a Lil’ Papi, I think you could do worse things than put the VC on one of them.

And the debate will rage in my head up until 8pm Friday if I should VC Tommy over Reece instead.  

Ahh the joys of SuperCoaching…

And on that note, I hope you all have a beautiful Thursday – THREE games of footy today! HOW BLOODY GOOD!!

Enjoy, and may your round eight be as stunningly joyful as Jakey Ts thumb.

Clementine xxx

P.S – My rouge this week is Jason Saab – do with that what you will…I actually considered bringing him in…

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